What I would do in a zombie Apocalypse?

I've thought a lot about the looming zombie apocalypse. Really. When half-rotten (or in some cases, fully rotten) corpses reanimate and feast on the living, what the hell would I do? How would I defend our home? More importantly, how would I defend my family?

I've recently concluded a very thorough analysis of my current planning, and it seems my defensive strategies aren't very good. To be a little more precise, they stink on ice.

So I decided that I needed advice. Then it dawned on me. Who would know more about killing zombies than screenwriters? With that in mind, I popped some popcorn and downloaded several of the best zombie movies of all time.

Sadly, the results were not very encouraging.

SPOILER ALERT – If you haven't seen these movies I sort of give away the endings.

I could stay and defend my family like in Night of the Living Dead (1968) – Unfortunately, the movie ends with photos of the hero being dumped on a pile of burning bodies.

Okay, maybe holing up in a shopping mall would work. After all, it was more or less successful in Dawn of the Dead (2004). At least for a while. And it all worked out in the end by sailing to a remote, uncorrupted island. Right? Wrong. Instead, you get bitten, and you have to kill yourself while your friends sail away to uncorrupted island. Except . . . not. They run out of food and land on an island swarming with—zombies. Crap.

How about flying to another continent? One that's zombie free? In 28 weeks later (2007) our heroes fly across the English Channel to France only to find zombies pouring out of the Paris Métro.

In Zombieland (2009) (full disclosure, one of my favorite movies) their great idea is going to an amusement park in California where they believe there are no zombies. Except when our heroes get there, the place is not only loaded with zombies, there's a zombie clown. A ZOMBIE CLOWN!! What the hell???

There are more movies. Many more. But it seems that in each, no matter what you do, you're going to die.

My conclusion, based on this exhaustive research, is that when the zombie apocalypse comes, we're all thoroughly and completely screwed.